Jonah, Future Dentist

In the middle of church tonight, Jonah suddenly shouted, “Teeth? Do you have teeth? Oh, beautiful teeth!”

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I Am From

I am from Moon Pies, from fried catfish and butter beans.

I am from the red bricks my father stacked,
straight, warm, strong, in my great grandfather’s field.

I am from the sweet gum, jimson, blackberry,
the kudzoo, milkweed, and thick smell of honeysuckle.

I am from cane pole fishing and rifles,
from Dixon and Gully and White.

I am from alchohol and farm labor.

From mind your manners and mind your mama.

I am from the Liberty, Vardamon, DeKalb Baptists.
From hymns and potlucks and caramel cake.

I’m from Mississippi Blackfoot, Navy and Marines.

From the three jobs and five kids, the dirt roads and cemetaries,
the last gray morning and good-bye.

I am from the mirrored pond at sunset,
the woods and barbed-wire fence,
the cricket song ringing in the trees.

Inspired by “Where I’m From” by George Ella Lyons
Read other personal adaptations at Faithful Mommy and Sermon on the Mount (of laundry)

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Definition: Jumpslip

“A jumpslip is when we try to jump off the table, and we slip and get hurt. . . Can I have a band-aid now?”

— Anna and Sarah

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Jonah, Medical Miracle

Jonah became curious about Aunt Jenn’s tummy tonight. He was shocked to learn that there was a baby inside her, which would someday come out.

Jonah said, “Can I have a baby in my tummy?” and in answer to his own question, started shoving a Cabbage Patch doll up his shirt. It was a tight shirt, so he only managed to get the head wedged against his belly.

As soon as the baby was lodged, Jonah shouted, “It’s coming out!”

But the baby did not want to come out.

Jonah struggled for a few moments. The baby didn’t budge.

We all said, “Push, Jonah.”

Jonah pushed and groaned, “Puuuuurrrrrrsh! . . . Puuuuuuurrrrrsh!”

And the baby popped out onto the floor.

“Yay!” he cried, “Look! My baby came out!”

Yes. So easy.

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Peeping

Anna, Sarah, and I were looking at photos.

“Where’s Daddy?” asked Anna.

“He’s going peep,” said Sarah.

“Peep?” I said.

“Yeah, he’s peeping.”

Anna nodded. “It’s what you do when you go potty. Peep.”

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Mutiny

Three reasons why Jonah almost died at breakfast:

• “Shut up, Mommy.”
• “You’re not the boss.”
• “Shut up, Mommy.” (again)

At first, I thought I must have heard him wrong. Surely, my son could not be suicidal at the age of two. So I asked him to repeat himself. He whispered the words, wide-eyed, obviously aware of how mutinous they were, awestruck by his own bravado, “Shut up? Mommy?”

It was as though he were politely asking, “Mommy? Would you please kill me?” (Then again, if he actually said, “Please kill me,” I would refuse. Whereas, “Shut up, Mommy,” is a much more convincing death wish.)

Not ten minutes later, he struck gold again. I said (very calmly, I might add), “Jonah, finish your cereal.” To which Jonah replied, cringing, “You’re not the boss.”

“What?” I said.

“Shut up, Mommy.”

Oh, no he didn’t.

It occurred to me– if I lived in 2006 B.C., my son would be stoned by the village elders.

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I Feel Pretty

Jason took Jonah aside and reviewed the plan.

“Okay, Jonah. Now, go right up to Mommy and say, ‘You look pretty!’ Okay?”

“Okay,” said Jonah.

He ran to me and said, “Mommy! I look pretty!”

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Good Old Girl

Jonah had searched the house up and down for pants. Finally, he came to me and asked for help.

I gave him some navy sweat pants.

He grinned. “Those are Jonah’s!”

“Yes,” I said, “Now, what do you say?”

“Thank you, Mommy,” said Jonah. “You’re a good girl!”

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First Comes Love, Then Comes Marriage . . .

A Dramatic Reenactment
In Two Acts

Performed by
Anna, age 4
Sarah, age 4

Act 1: The Wedding

Sarah: Sissy, you be Becky, and I’ll be Jason.

Anna: Okay.

Sarah: Becky! I want to marry you.

Anna: I want to marry you, too.

Sarah presses in for a wet, sloppy kiss.

Anna: Ew! Stop it!

Sarah: Okay, we’re married now. Lie down on the couch.

Act 2: The Offspring

Sarah: Hurry, Becky! Lay down in the hospital! They’re starting without us!

Anna: Oh, no!

Anna flops down onto the love seat. Two seconds later . . .

Anna: Okay, Jason, here they are!

Sarah: Wow! Babies!

Anna: Yeah. There’s four twins: two boys and two girls. See? The boys go in my left arm and the girls go in my right arm.

Sarah: We have lots of babies!

Anna: I know.

Sarah: I want to have TEN babies!

Anna: Okay!

Finis

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You Ain’t Got No Reason

Jonah was dancing a flailing jig.

Jason: “Jonah, did you step on something?”

Jonah: “No.”

Jason: “Got a squirrel loose in your britches?”

Jonah: “No.”

Jason: “Bunny rabbit in your pants?”

Jonah: “No.”

Jason: “Haven’t you got any excuse? Sometimes when I’ve got a good excuse, I get up and dance, too.”

Jonah: “No, Daddy. You don’t have an excuse!”

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