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Archive for September 14th, 2006

Snap

Please note that when I say, “snap,” I really mean “s—.” The thing is, my inner narrator (Don’t make fun. I bet you have one, too. No, really.) can’t stand punctuated euphemisms, because they have no sound; so I chose a completely unrelated proxy word instead, i.e. “snap.” So there. And yes, I am aware that in some locales “snap” is slang, or used to be, but I don’t care. On with the misadventure!

Jonah had to use the facilities at WalMart. (You can tell this is going to be classy, now.) As we walked into the ladies’ room, I held the door for an older mom with a nine-month-old and a five-year-old boy. She asked if I needed the changing table, because I was blocking it. I said no, and joined Jonah in the end stall.

So I was standing there, trying to keep Jonah from making a mess, when the lady started changing her baby. And this is what we heard:

“Boo-boo made a stinky! Did Boo-boo make a stinky in his pants? Mommy loves Boo-boo. . . Oh my goodness! Boo-boo made stinky all over his pants! Oh, it’s all over his wee-wee! And his tummy! Uh, oh! (To the five-year-old) Get me wipes NOW! I need wipes! (five-year-old rifles through bag) Oh snap! It’s on my hand! Oh snap! Snap, snap, snap! Give me more wipes NOW! Did Boo-boo get all snappy? Oh snap, it’s on his shirt! SNAP! Give me more! He’s all snappy! SNAP! You’re just all snappy, Boo-boo! Snappy, snappy, snappy! SNAP! I touched it! SNAP! . . .”

I don’t really know how long she went on with her snappy monologue, because we ran away as soon as Jonah finally finished. But we didn’t really escape. When we had almost finished shopping and were passing through the cereal aisle, Jonah let loose a single, emphatic, “Snap!”

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Hide and Seek

The kids were playing hide and seek in the house yesterday. (It’s become the ONLY game they play, ever since the teenagers taught them how to follow the rules.) Anna and Sarah took turns being It, and Jonah hid with them.

Suddenly Jonah said, “I want to be It! It’s my turn.”

“You can’t count to thirty,” said Sarah.

Anna said, “No, Sissy, it’s his turn. Now Jonah, stay here and close your eyes and count.” And they ran away from him.

Jonah shut his eyes and buried them in his hands. “Dear God, thank you for Maggie and Abbie and Superman. And Jesus loves me. Amen. . . Ready or not, here I come!”

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